Thursday, March 31, 2011

Oprah is God


Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your screens….

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here, so I thought I’d throw something new into the ring. Since returning from Montreal it has taken me a while to adjust back into my life here in Toronto. After embracing the laid back Quebec style of life with no job and only theatre work to distract me between parties, getting back into the daily Toronto grind was initially. I don’t think we ever stop to consider how quickly shit moves here in the big city, how easily we can get lost when life is set to Fast Forward. Am I the only one who feels like if I blink an entire year has passed? It seems like only yesterday I returned from Montreal with a duffle bag full of dirty clothes and a beard that could conceal small weapons. Now it’s nearly April, I’m back at my two jobs, I’m knee deep in setting up my Fringe show (P-DALE come out this July! Stay tuned for more!) and my beard is trimmed down to a respectable blanket of scruff. The clothes in the duffle bag are still dirty however and they're starting to emit an odor that conjures up images of wet gym shorts left sitting in a plastic bag. I hate doing laundry but that’s no excuse for contaminating my entire building. I’ll get on it. Eventually.

This morning I woke up with a pound of near processed food sitting in my stomach. This is how I often wake up, with a sudden and violent bowel movement. It’s my fault really; I’m a notorious midnight snacker. Inebriated, I’m liable to grab the first thing in my fridge i can lay a hand on and stuff it mightily down my throat with little regard for its after effects. Bowls of cereal and milk, slices of processed meat, dill pickles, marshmallows, cheddar cheese, and left over chocolate cake….there is no consistency to what I might add to my night’s beer. Sadly, this method of waking up has permanently replaced my alarm clock; my body seeming to prefer this ticking biological clock to the artificial wail of a buzzer. Why share this with you? Well, if you are one of those types who can sleep through an alarm or presses snooze 3.7 times on an average morning, then perhaps my method is for you. Simply eat something that will cause you great gastrointestinal upheaval, brush your teeth and call it in. When the wake up comes, trust me, you won’t want to stay in your bed.

Warning: If you don’t sleep alone, this might affect your partner’s sleep as there is scent issues linked to this method. Proceed with caution.

So the world burns, eh? In Libya, Western Block planes drop bombs on a city populace, intervening in the affairs of Middle Eastern country for the third time this decade. Tokyo’s drinking water is irradiated; the product of an earthquake that physically moved Japan while massive waves of destruction swept away the Eastern Coast. Our very own Canadian Federal Government was found in contempt of the very institution it’s meant to uphold and yet the Conservatives who did it still find themselves with a clear majority in the polls. Egypt goes thorough a revolution that captured our imaginations for a brief moment before our gazes turned to Steven Tyler's awesomeness on American Idol, conveniently giving the media a reason to grow suspiciously quiet on the subject. Children continue to wait in the rain for a 16 year old pop star with a lesbian haircut while downpour drizzles out the gel in their own lesbian 'doo inspired by the same. All this while Charlie Sheen dominates our social media in between hits of crack and sloppy porn sex. I would like to state officially that our world is falling into chaos but really, the world never stopped being crazy, we can all just watch it for free now on YouTube.

And Oprah has her own television station. Really, when will it end? I’m absolutely convinced that Oprah has found a way to control our minds. No, seriously. Oprah Winfrey has invented some kind of sinister wavelength that takes control of the section of our brain that filters mediocre crap so she can continue to shovel mainstream literature, self-help advice and home decor down our poor, barely resistant minds. We must put an end to this beforBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….I just love A New Earth, the new book by Oprah and Eckhart Toll! It's as informative as I awaken to a new world of experience that only Oprah could provide! I think Oprah’s website says it best:

In his insightful look into humanity's ego-based thinking, Eckhart Tolle provides practical teachings for waking up to a new, enlightened mind-set. If you're seeking a more loving self and a more loving planet, A New Earth has the tools to begin your transformation. Start reading today!

Tips for Reading A New Earth
Are you having a difficult time reading A New Earth? Don't be so hard on yourself. Even Oprah only read five pages at a time! These suggestions will help you ease into your reading experience.

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Summer School
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I can’t wait until Oprah brings me to spiritual awakening! Can you?

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...bzzzzzzzzzzzzz. bzt.

Whoa. I feel light headed. And kinda tired.

I don’t know if I’m always tired because of my diet or because I don’t really sleep. As a combo, they seem to be the actions of a man who must accept that his body is on the decline. Luckily, I’m aware of it. But unluckily, I tend to drink when awareness strikes, as reality is often quite frightening. Strangely, drinking every day does not scare me as much as reality seems to. But because drinking leads to spending, money gets tight and reality rears its ugly fanged head and reasserts itself as the dominant cause of fear in my life. Fear (and by extension anxiety), then leads to a loss of appetite and insomnia.

Reality-drinking-poverty-fear-decline-Reality. The circle of life. If you’re an emo Elton John perhaps.

But I choose to believe that good things are always around the corner. Because there is alwways community and love, right? And if we try a little harder to be honest, to ourselves and to others, I think we’d be a lot less afraid, even if all our friends are busy giggling at online videos of animals voiced over by British actors.

I’m sorry for getting all Oprah Winfrey on you this blog. She's just so good, y'know? Really, it's like her fingers are gently rubbing the pleasure button in my mind. Even now thinking about her gorgeous ebony face, I'm smiling so hard there are tears in my eyes. Oprah is just so....legion.

I was just cooking perogies and as I eagerly pulled out the ingredients for my killer Perogie sauce, I knocked over a bottle of Frank’s Red Hot. As it hit the floor with a dull thud, it spilled onto the ground, creating a perfect heart shape with a single streak of what looked like blood coming from it. Betwixed by the image, I spent roughly 45 minutes trying to photograph it. Why? Because I was thinking about all the above things, getting needlessly depressed over stuff that I cannot control, when my absent mindedness created a beautiful moment that reminded me that beautiful moments are always bred out of chaos. And that my perogies were burning. But mostly the beauty/chaos thing. I smiled thinking of the millions of beautiful moments that would come from a world in flames. Then I cleaned up the spill in my kitchen and played a game of Marvel vs. Capcom 3.

Then I sat down here and wrote about shitting as a means to getting to work on time. I would like to say more but what more is there to say really? Other than….

ALL HAIL OPRAH. OPRAH IS OUR LEADER. OPRAH SHALL BRING THE LIGHT THAT ILLUMINATES MANKIND'sS DESTINY. HAIL THE QUEEN STAR THAT BURNS BRIGHTEST IN OUR SKY. HAIL OPRAH.

That Blogging Bastard

BTW if you’re looking to spice up your next dinner party, try this hot summer sauce that adds zip to any late night gathering! : 1/3 franks red hot, 1/3 ketchup, 1/3 Diana Sauce, pinch of ground cayenne pepper, oregano, parsley flakes, butter. I thought about it after getting inspiration from an article in O magazine. Fantastic!