-Ancient North American proverb
Salutations Internet browsers! It's the blogging bastard here to bastardize blogs yet again. How goes it? Myself? PUMPED.
I'll level with you. I've been a wuss lately. A yellow belly. A bona fide grade "A" pussy. Why do you ask?
Because I've been afraid to get off my skinny ass and get down to business, that's why. I've been broke. Stagnant. Depressed. And that is no way to behave in a summer time setting.
Shortly after writing a blog about love, I realized that my optimism of late has been lacking. "I'm so poor", I cry. "I'm in love", I shudder. "I'm a whore", I pronounce.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa there, grumpy bear! Since when am I so glum? (Not to say my blog about love was glum. Although I did speak at length of my melancholy which is something I experience from time to time. Like now. And yesterday. And last week after some grapefruit.)
NO MORE!
I hereby declare a new Luis, one who isn't afraid to take risks, stare uncertainty in the face and rap his big ol' mitts around Fear's lanky-ass neck and strangle that sum bitch till he's deader then a teenager's first kiss. I've got to rub the stink of defeat off my carcass and inject some much needed chutzpah into my daily diet (which now consists of coffee, a Mcdouble and 3-8 alcoholic beverages). Today is a new day and I'm kicking ass and taking names! The question is: what will I do with those names once I've got them? Publish a Baby's first names book, that's what! (genius)
Ok, I know what you're thinking, "Oh yeah right and how exactly will you improve yourself you slimy Portuguese swindler you." Well first of all, that's racist. And secondly, I made a list.
So without a moments pause for the sake of clarity and reason, I pronounce to you:
10 WAYS TO EUTHANIZE YOUR PET AT HOME!
1. Windex. Syringe. Simple.
2. Grab a cooking mallet and a Phillips head screwdriver. Then...
Wait, wait, wait. Wrong list. I apologize, I apologize. That was the list for next weeks blog. (which will be a huge money and time saver. Join me!)
Alright rewind. Let's try this again. AH-heh. Without further ado, I present to you:
10 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE!
1. Stop thinking about it. DO IT. I mean what's the worst that could happen? Embarrassment? Jail time? Death? PFfssssst. Whatever.
2. Laugh a lot. I don't know about you, but crying sucks. And yes, the world is a unmitigated disaster. Oil spilling in the waters. People BRAP!BRAP!ing each other with large guns. Children starving. A baseball team in the AL east with no chance of competing (I mean come on!). So what are we going to do about it? Nothing? Then shut your stinking mouth. Then open it. And then laugh. I don't know, watch Friends or something. Better yet, grab a large feather, a pal, and tickle under their arms until they are either crying with laughter or beating your ass down for getting saucy. Either way, you ain't thinking about oil spills anymore and neither are the newspapers. Hahahahahaha.
3. Make like a Courtney and Love I said it once, and I'll say it again. Love is a powerful force that even that guy with the porn stash and heart on his chest from She-Ra couldn't ruin. Love conquers all. And I don't mean just romantic love. Love for your neighbors. For your fellow (wo)man. Love for yourself. Love all the bloody time and you will receive nothing but love back. And if you don't, ask yourself, "Who the hell am I hanging out with?"
4. Don't let others tear you down People can be such pricks. Let's face it, we all could be doing "better." But those who keep a positive attitude, who believe in themselves, who smile when the sun's bright, they are the ones that get pissed on by all those negative souls feeling sorry for themselves. If you want to rock your pyjamas on the dance floor, rock em. If you're a fan of shit music, crank it. If you want to sing, sing 'til your voice croaks. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't shine. Cuz you shine, baby.
5. Don't tear people down I am guilty of this like everyone else. Hey, I'm not saying be a saint. Nothing is better than getting together with an old friend and making fun of your grade 8 math teacher. Or that girl at work with the lisp. But when you're out and about, keep your negative shit to yourself. Fear rules our lives, and we are judged by impossible standards of beauty and wealth. Do we really need to further tear the already downtrodden dreams of others? Check yourself, before you wreck yourself. It's not like you're the greatest thing that walked this planet. Because that's reserved for Kid Rock.
6. Make a plan I'm a scattered brained airhead. But what sets me apart from true uselessness is my ability to grab a pen, make a plan and implement it. You can't build without a road map. Why waste precious energy pissing your ideas into the wind? With a proper plan, you can gather that idea piss, jar it and make a mint off selling it as Allen's apple juice. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone what you did. Caution: Plans, while necessary, rarely go as drafted. Don't be afraid to improvise.
7. Believe in yourself For God's sake, could we all just have a little faith in ourselves? If you don't, no one else will because they're too busy not believing in their own selves to believe in you. So stop thinking you aren't good enough. Now refer to number 6 and then head straight to number 1. Capisce?
8. Be disciplined Alright, so you said you'd hit the gym three times a week. And you'd quit smoking. And you'd stop seeing that guy/girl who keeps punching you in the face for burning the omelettes at breakfast. But its been two months and you still haven't set foot in the gym. And you smoke 2 packs a day. And you stroke your black eye as you crack another egg. If you want shit to change, you kinda have to do something about it. And plans become a waste of time if you spend hours drafting them only to find them a year later underneath a couch cushion. Nothing worth having comes easy. It takes sleep to have a dream. It takes work to make it into a reality. Like Gang Starr says, "....put in work and watch your status escalate". If you aren't going to listen to the wisdom of hip-hop, there ain't nothing I can do for you.
9. Turn your failures into lessons So you fucked up. Again. Why did you fuck up? Identify it and then don't do that same thing again, so that the next time you try to steal a baby panda you won't fall into the enclosure and get your face dashed about. (These get rich quick schemes are starting to kill me). Obviously you can apply this to whatever zoo animal you're trying to steal. Or to any other pursuit really. My point is it's a lot easier to get back on the wagon when you look at the fall you took as a lesson. And when next you try, you'll try with some common sense, the kind of common sense that only falling on your ass can teach you.
10. Write a blog-Since doing this blog, I've really tapped into some of my thoughts and discovered some fascinating things both about myself and those who actually take the time to read this thing. In this one, for instance, I realize I have an unnatural subconscious desire to see harm come to animals. Who knew? Ultimately, I find it a great comfort to write down my feelings and thoughts. Ok, so maybe putting those ideas and thoughts on-line for everyone to read and judge isn't for you. In fact, there are probably people right now calling PETA on me. See? So instead, get out a secret book, write you feelings in them and then find a hiding spot where snooping bastards won't read and squeal. You'll be glad you did.
So there! Eat my dust, World! Armed with these ten points of discovery, we're all gonna get money, power and respect. (what you need in life) Or something wussy like peace and enlightenment. And what are you going to do about it, World? Nothing! That's what! What's that,World? You're sick and dying? Oh. I'm sorry. I was just kidding. Get better.
It's late and I've got way too much positive energy. I'm going to have a martini and simmer down. I hope that today's blog inspired you to get off that lumpy behind and get yourself sum sum. We only got this one life, I personally don't see why we'd waste a single moment of it.
Now I'm going to use this list for the self-help book I'm publishing along with the book of baby names. Sometimes it worth kicking a little ass.
Taking names (and self publishing),
That Blogging Bastard
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