Horseshit

For those who routinely step foot into the lawless and mythical world of Parkdale, it is a common sight to see a mounted police officer riding his horse. While this image might conjure up feelings of a simpler time, I personally think it's a waste of our tax money. This isn't True Lies, and the police aren't a pre-elected Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Parkdale, (formally known as Toronto's 'badlands') is a far cry from the boozy, crack-addled street corners of yesteryear. With an ever growing collection of trendy bars and restaurants, genetrification has firmly established its hold and taken root. The crack whores with their cheap $5 blowjobs have been replaced by twenty-something 905ers doing cocaine in afghan scarves. It is arguable if this is an improvement.

With the growing number of strung out clubbers flooding the area and a facist desire to eradicate all that is perceived "undesirable", the area has a constant police presence. Cruisers patrol the streets in five minuted sweeps. There are police cameras hanging from street lamps, cops riding bikes through parks, black stealth cruisers lurking behind parked cars and plain clothes officers inquiring about crack. If one was inclined to paranoia and left-leaning political discourse, it could be argued that we are already living in a police state. Or that we have a fetish for buzz cuts and aviater glasses.

Considering the area's reputation, it is no surprise that this is the case. To many, Parkdale is a vast and dark jungle, a slithering noir slum straight out of a Frank Miller comic. It is a place where parents cringe as their teenage daughter moves in. It's fucking Vietnam minus Martin Sheen and a kick-ass rock soundtrack.

It's also an incredible place to live. It's a home to many conscious and political people. It's a place where new Canadian families start their lives. Where students can afford rent and Pabst Blue Ribbon is $3.50 a pint. Its home to art galleries, art stores, art co-ops, and artists arting artfully. Quite frankly, it's a great place to call home.

It's a strange contrast of chic and sad, of residential and urban. Is it this particular duality that causes such deep seated fears in the general popluace? How can these two worlds share the same geography? It is no secret that people wish to compartmentalize there lives. Most choose to shuttle around in there air conditioned luxury pods (doors firmly locked) until they can drive it into their underground parking garage, swipe in with their security keys, sign in with their security guard, and enter their hermetically sealed cookie-cutter apartment unit. If they grow bored , they can simply shunt down to the sterile gym located one floor down. If they're hungry, they can shop at the Metro located in the base of the building.

We don't need gates to have a gated community. The condo has just taken the concept and stacked it vertically. In this climate, who dares tread the streets where real people might convene?

That's why we have police. They are the divide between the shiny Canadian ideal and the dirty Canadian truth. They are filter that stops the sediment from getting into the Parkdale coffee pot. They are the keepers of the stone.

So why a mounted police officer? This isn't London or Old Montreal. No one comes to Parkdale for its 19th century flair. And I highly doubt riding a horse can be considered an effective crime prevention tool. Unless that horse has a nose for cheap Asian sex workers, I don't see how it could be useful. So if it's not for impressing tourists and it's not for reaping cold justice, then what is its purpose?

I only ask because I'm tired of stepping in horse shit. Every day, there are huge chunky lines of horse shit laying on the pavement. And every day, I have to tip toe through it. How can we allow our law enforcement officers to fine dog owners every time their 5 pound poodle leaves a mini-log in the grass, when police themselves are allowing a 300 pound animal to shit indescrimantely through the streets like it was one big horse lavatory? Who's job is it to clean up that shit anyway?

This leads me to wonder if the city indeed has a dedicated position for shit shovellers. The city must have had them at one time, as our grandfathers are only to happy to let us know:

Dave: Man, grandpa, I hate my new job at Starbucks.

Grandpa: oh, you young folks have it easy, with your ipods, and your Ryan Seacrests and your twitters....back in my day, we had to shovel shit for a dollar. Then run through broken glass naked. Then fight the Germans. Blah blah Blah.

Where are our shit shovellers now? In this difficult economic time, this is just the stimulus Parkdale needs. I propose we start hiring a dedicated crew of shit shovellers to tackle this problem. While our officers are busy cleaning-up our streets, our shovellers will be busy cleaning up after the brave police horses that help keep those very streets clean.


Yes, I know, its not a pretty job. But at least the title, "shit shoveller" implies that you have no direct contact with the shit. A "garbage man" actually sounds like the person is, in fact, composed of garbage, whereas a shit shoveller makes it clear that there is a shovel seperating the shit from the actual person. Or we can just call them "excrement disposal workers" which has a very official ring to it.

Either way, we all have to put up with the Police and their shit, so why do we have to put up with their horse's shit as well? Stop wasting precious glue and get those bastards off our streets. If I wanted horseshit, I'd read a novel by L. Ron Hubbard, thank you very much.

Mr. Ed Fan club member,
That Blogging Bastard.