All Signs Point To Old

At the still sexy age of 28, I've begun to experience situations that remind me that I am no longer a young and enthusiastic man. Small, niggly things are starting to poke holes in my immature logic, logic I've spent the better part of a decade in developing. These moments of reality have reinforced my darkest fear: that I'm old and no longer "with it". Here are few things I have noticed:

-Every time I step into a Queen West dance bar I feel like a high school chaperone.

-When I drink I get 'old man' drunk instead of 'fun times Charlie' drunk. Long gone is the rush of destructive behaviour and free spiritedness I used to get when drinking; now I get tired, mean and brooding. Instead of dancing til dawn, I sit at home reading the Believer while lamenting that I'm not out dancing til dawn. Welcome to the Carlsberg years. (incidentally, I drink Carlsberg).

-Any physical activity comes with two days of dull throbbing pains that keep me completely inactive. Do the math. I'm not an athlete.

-All my friends kid sisters are now really FUCKING HOT.

-I inexplicably feel bad for lusting after my friends kid sisters.

-All regions of hair on my body have now become one.

-I've begun to write poetry that reflects my "feelings". Check out the video below to see what I mean.

- Grapefruit isn't bitter, it's sweet. Black licorice isn't nasty, it's an aquired taste.

Rum isn't mixed, it stands alone. Hmmmm... Suddenly my tastes are a lot like my grandfathers. If I start an herb garden and marry a seventy year old Portuguese women the transformation will be complete.

-I can watch a baseball game from beginning to end.

- Sitting at home rapping in front of the computer doesn't feel like a productive day anymore. Even when I record it!

- I can admit that American Idol, while stupid, is pretty damn entertaining. On the flip side, Wrestling is now just plain stupid. What a complete 180!

-Stephen Harper is my Prime Minister and I don't want to take to the streets and violently oust him anymore. You could stick a semi-retarded iguana in the position and I wouldn't bat an eye.

-I drink coffee to wake up, I drink it to stay awake, I drink it at work, I drink it at home, I drink it to FUNCTION.

-I can't stay awake for any movie with more than an hour and a half running time.

-I make martini's instead of drinking Colt 45 even though I'm still making the same income I did 10 years ago. As a result, I'm even broker now then I was 10 years ago. Damn you Bond!

-I think of sex only 60% of the time now and can perform it only 10% of the time.

-When I shave, I don't have a baby face, I have a mug. (Perfect for mug shots!)

-I have to stop playing video games every few hours because my eyes hurt.

-I had a colonoscopy.

-Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to get married, get a real job, start investing, etc. C'mon guys, you know I'm too emotionally immature to have thought about any of that stuff.

The list goes on and on. Needless to say, I'm on the decline. To quote Herman Dune:

"I feels like I'll never get my shit together

27 and I'm fucked

Well its 10 years from teenage

and that's a freaking lot"

Fuck you Herman Dune! I'm 28!

Withering to dust,

That Blogging Bastard

P.S. To all my readers who are older then 28, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault you're going to die.