Being a Whore: The actors true gift

WELCOME TO MARCH!

It's that blogging bastard back with a bountiful bunch of boisterous blogging!

I've been away from my computer whilst wretched poverty hath slapped me in the wallet but today is ye' ol payday, and I was able to procure a two-liter bottle of Labatt Strong from yonder LCBO kiosk.

Three swigs in and BAM! Here I am.

The Olympics, eh? What a crazy few weeks, no? Gold medals just littering the floor, am I right?

Someone else: Is that yours sir?

Luis: What? This gold medal by my foot?

Someone else: Yes. I seemed to have lost mine.

Luis: Nope, no. This is my medal sir, I'm sorry.

Someone else: Oh! Never mind. I just found mine in my back pocket!

Man, we got more gold then Leo DiCaprio's pubic hair. It just shows you: pumping ludicrous amounts of money into something IS the fastest way to get results. I'm just glad we spent it on winter sports instead of hunger and affordable housing....what a waste that would have been!

I won't lie, I did enjoy Vancouver 2010. With no fear of lost masculinity (for I have none to lose), I teared up when Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir won the gold medal for Ice Dance. Upon winning that gold, Moir apparently told Virtue who was too scared to look at the final score that they had won silver when they had actually won gold. Then when asked how he was going to celebrate his winning gold, Virtue screamed out with mock white boy swagger: "YOU ABOUT TO FIND OUT!" . I can't wait to see him on Intervention.

Shaun White, the american celebrity snowboarder, proved that he does indeed deserve a video game bearing his name. I hadn't seen moves like that since watching circus pornography. If he didn't look like Carrot Top's retarded brother, I'd have sex with him.

HOCKEY!HOCKEY!HOCKEY!HOCKEY!

Sidney Crosby has now replaced Dudley Do-Right as most brazen Canadian stereotype. Not only does he win the Stanley Cup but he also scores the game winning goal at the olympic Gold medal game. When I was 22, I was too busy prematurely ejaculating to get that much accomplished. Expect to see Crosby on television hucking Goldschlager, Gold Bond Lotion, Golden Grahams, Golden Honey Tim Bits and Yukon Gold Potatoes like a real Canadian hero!

Speaking of Commercials:

I just landed a role in a McDonald's commercial. For a man with little income, this is great news. As an artist, it is the beginning of what I see as a gradual decline into whoring. Yes, believe it or not, there was a time when I thought myself above money and was prepared for a life of desperate artistic integrity. It was after eating my millionth can of Zoodles that something changed.

Perhaps you have heard me say this lately:

"You don't have to wait, they're here now"

It was with these immortal words (verifying the sound design and excellent value of Ford vehicles )that I entered the world of commercial acting. The fact that I have never driven, have no drivers licence and know absolutely nothing about cars is quite an irony considering I'm on television telling you otherwise. And that's because (spoiler alert!) commercials are false.

Everyone who has seen a Menthos ad knows that the scenario depicted is a heaping load of malarky. But we hope that once in a while a real person might just show up. Like the doctor on the Government ad preaching flu injection or the women on the Acne medication who's life has changed from its use. Even if it's scripted, even if we know they were paid to say it, we take solace in the fact that at least they are who they say they are. And sadly, they aren't. Most of the time it's just an actor reciting script. I even know of an actor in a WSIB ad who played a wheelchair bound man who had lost his legs in a horrible factory accident.

He was a jogger off-camera.

And that is the inheirent problem with commercial acting: It is devoid of any real meaning, therefore its participants are unable to extract any true meaning from it.

For me it will always be a pay cheque.... a pay cheque I need so, so, so fucking badly.

God of War III is coming out and I'm eating ketchup sandwiches here! So give me your Nissans, Coke and Pepto Bismal! Sidney Crosby can do it and so can I! Go Canada!

The one thing that peeves me? I've been telling people I'm an actor for over 10 years, and it was the Ford commercial that finally made people believe me. I've performed in countless plays and comedy shows but it was a two-second close up of my face talking about the Ford Taurus that got me the most praise from family and friends. Couple that with the three-seconds I'm going to get in this new ad, and I'm heading into full blown celebrity status here.

Watch out Listerine Man, there is a new player on the thirty-second stage!

Now if I can just find the time to take all these Gold Medals lying around over to Oliver Jewelers for some quick cash (OH YEAH!) I might be able to afford my rent next month. Or at the very least my next bottle of Labatt Strong.

Blah,

That Blogging Bastard