BROKE. no joke.

Well fuck me: its still March, I'm still broke and God of War 3-less. I have no upcoming shifts at work, and the money Ronald McDonald owes me has yet to surface.

Many would think that being on television pays a lot of money. While this is not necessarily untrue, one thing many do not know is that unlike most jobs, there is no designated "payday". The money just sort of comes when it comes. Could be in a week, could be in three months. So every morning I wake, get dressed, and run to the mailbox only to find I owe FIDO another $91.08. Much like the Ancients prayed for rain to fall on their crops, I pray to the Canadian God of Post to send me with haste a banquet of cash.

There is nothing like the feeling of knowing you have money coming to you while being penny-less.

Friend: Hey Luis, want to grab a coffee?

Luis: Well you see, I can't cuz I have money but I'm broke.

Friend: You have money and your broke?

Luis: Well, you see I've already worked, so I'm owed the money... so technically I've MADE it, I just don't HAVE it.

Friend: But you've made it?

Luis: Yeah. I just don't possess it.

Friend: If you don't HAVE it, then you don't have it.

Luis: Right...

Friend: So your broke.

Luis: Right.

Friend: So just say that your broke.

Luis: But it's not like I haven't worked. Broke people aren't working. I've worked.

Friend: You're broke. Who cares if you worked?

Luis: But I'm saying I'm not a bum. I'm owed. I'm a victim here.

Friend: You worked and you never got compensated?

Luis: Exactly.

Friend: Then you're an idiot.

Luis: .....

Friend: Right?

Luis: I guess.

Friend: Get an actual job, and you'll get actual money.

Luis: Yeah, I've got to figure out something. So can you spot me for a coffee?

Friend: Sure, I guess.

What you've just read is how I get free coffee. It's also how I get free beer, cigarettes and soda pop.

And these are the tactics one resorts to in a time of great economic duress. And times of great economic duress seem to be coming at me with alarming frequency. I am reaching levels of poverty not seen since my late teens. When you start saving the night stamps on your streetcar transfers, you know things are getting bad.

Two years ago around Christmas I was about to hit rock bottom when I magically found a $4000 camera lens lying discarded in the trash. It was a miraculous of stroke luck if you believe that I found it. If you don't, lets just say its none of your god damn business how I got it. Either way, I sold it online and saved myself a few months grace.

But I can't always find $4000 camera lenses. And I can't always mistake tripods for trash cans. It's time to take action and make some downgrades!

Effective immediately:

-Carlsberg Tall cans -----downgraded to-------Pabst Blue Ribbon Tall Cans

I still refuse to drink Lakeport honey because it tastes like Winnie the Pooh's piss when warm and I'm not man enough to go back to malt liquor. It looks like six packs of Bavaria will no doubt come into play and sadly, when it gets really bad I'll have to resort to (wretch) Old millaukee Ice. After that....paint thinner? Maria Christina? Toilet Duck?

Frosted Mini Wheats------downgraded to------Wheat Mini's with Frosting

Cereal has long been one of my most costly luxuries. No longer can I go for brand names when Our Compliments has such cheap rip-off brands. So now instead of Frosted Flakes, I'll eat Tiger Sugar Flakes. Instead of Honey Nut Cheerios, I'll have Honey Crunch Rings. And instead of Count Chocula, I'll have Our Compliment's 100% Refined Sugar.

TTC Metro Pass-----------downgraded to------stealing

This is my most risky endeavor but one I have mastered from my youth. It requires low morals and a heart of steel, and while my heart may only be a strong aluminum, my morals are low enough to compensate. First off, it helps very much that I live off of Queen Street where thePOP (Proof of Payment) system is in effect. Bascially, you can walk on through the back doors without the teller checking your fare. The idea is that randomly, you may be asked to show your proof of payment. This happens once every 20 rides or so. I'm not embarrassed to play the odds and risk having to say, "Oh, I must have dropped it" and step off the street car if need be.

As well, the street car transfer is an easily forged document. Basically the transfer has numbers running along the side that represent hours. The driver rips it at the correct hour to mark the time it was given. Have you ever noticed that sometimes you get a really long transfer and other times you get a super short one? It's all dependent of the time you entered the streetcar. At night, rather then print out a separate evening transfer, a night stamp is placed at the top of the transfer; a colored rectangle that says NIGHT. These stamps are color coded to the transfer of that particular day. What I like to do is collect night stamps of every color. On a day where I must use the TTC, I scour for a long transfer so that when I board, I can rip off the correct time and add a night stamp from my stash. Pathetic, yes. But effective. Paffective if you will.

Or I could just look for a job. I've got three as it stands, and not a single one of them is giving me shifts. One of them is slinging beer at the Skydome, which used to be quite lucrative. There was a time when a Tallboy cost $8.50. People would give you a $10 and you'd keep it, meaning you walked off with $1.50 per beer. Sell six cases and you were sitting pretty. Then they moved it to $9. Walked away with a buck per beer. Then $9.25. Then $9.50. If you can believe this, word on the street is they're actually going to sell it for $9.75 a can this summer. At that price point, I'm lucky to walk off with a quarter instead of a punch to the face. Plus with the Blue Jays looking like contenders for shittiest sports club in Toronto (not an easy award to win), I'll be lucky if there are any patrons in the building to slug me in the face.

Let's face it, I've been vending at the Skydome since I was 16 years old. When the Raptor's played there. When Joe Carter was still a Blue Jay. When two dollars was a bill. Maybe its time for something NEW AND EXCITING like....

Ok I got nothing. But as always, necessity is the mother of all invention and right now necessity's water just broke. I'm going to wet nurse this sucker and get back to you.

Theatre degree afflicted, please send drugs.

That Blogging Bastard