For this blog entry, I want to get serious. There are serious matters at hand, and I want to discuss them in a no-nonsense, rapid fire sort of way. It's me and you right now, kiddo.
One on One.
Face to Face.
But let's stop looking at each other in the face because it's awkward.
Besides, we've got to dig deep into the hardened top-soil of lies and stare dark truth in the face instead. Oh yeah, this is SERIOUS BUSINESS, baby. So sit down with me, and maybe we can strike a deal....
First off: I love Count Chocula. What's that you say? Too sugary?
I'll level with you: the shit is as sugary as a Meg Ryan flick, got more marshmallows then actual crunchy cereal AND it turns the milk into chocolate. So yeah, it's Perfect. Sure your bones won't get stronger, your teeth will hurt and your skin will start to look like a pimply ol' ass.
That's because it's just a big candy bar you pour milk over.
Look, no one eats a breakfast that is healthy, we eat HEALTHY breakfasts. Come on, we're all eating bacon, eggs, toast, cereals , COFFEE with sugar and/or cream , cereal bars, Pop Tarts, waffles with butter and syrup, sausages, muffins, hash browns ...everyone indulges when they are half awake and barely cognizant. What's that mister moneybags? You eat berries and granola for breakfast right after your morning jog? Well I'm sorry that we all can't afford berries and live in a happy cocoon where you don't have to steal transit and delay rent payments and eat bowls of 100% Our compliments refined sugar and chocolate pieces left over from Christmas with milk as a simulation of your favorite breakfast cereal! Maybe you just....just...
(breaking down in tears)
I miss my cereals.
(Wipes tears, collects himself, and grabs a cigarette. Lighting it, he....wait, why am I narrating this?)
Alright, let's cut to the chase. Papa Louie needs to come up with a little scratch, see? Or else Papa Louie is going to be dining at your local dumpster. No, not the Golden Griddle, I mean a literal dumpster. This is getting serious now. Just got off the phone with my agent (acting not secret) and he's saying that McDicks ain't sending me cash til after the first of April. So now using our collective minds on the blogosphere, I write to you in hopes of striking a deal.
Brass tacks:
I'm an energetic, hard-working, and work (relatively) cheap. I'm fluent in the English language, I can deliver a line (IE I can bullshit) and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I'm a great companion, love to cook (but can't) and have an extensive knowledge of eighties to early nineties X-men comics.
I can clear most video games in under 10 hours, got a few dance moves in the ole derriere , can kick a funky rhyme and know where all the cheap spots in the city are. I can edit, revise, collate and copy. Basic Frolf skills, Mac skills, Microsoft word skills, Settlers of Catan Skills and skills that pay the god damn bills. I'm a rare find, a diamond in the rough like Disney's white Aladdin. Right now I'm a free agent, and I can be yours for a very low price.
That brings me to you.....
What do YOU need?
Maybe it's as simple as a coffee brought to you in the morning or having your dog walked while you work. Maybe you'd like someone to prepare a meal, do chores or entertain for guests. Or perhaps a bitter rival has gone too far and only the cold blade of a masked assassin will teach him the error of his ways....with LUIS FERNANDES you get quality work done at an exceptional price.
Between March 24-27 and March 29-31 LUIS FERNANDES is for hire.
Contact me on Facebook or here at youbloggingbastard@blogspot.com or email me at luisfernandes397@hotmail.com.
I will do all the dirty work. You? Relax.
So that's my final offer. Take it or leave it. In truth, I'd rather work for you then McDonald's anyway. No pressure, but if you don't hire me, I'm going to start dealing Meth to your young family members.
Now get me to paint your back yard fence already and keep me off these ever-loving streets!
Professional as all hell,
That Blogging Bastard
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